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Exclusive: It's Smear-ly Politics

by SATIRE BY SHAWN GOODWIN September 13, 2008

Over the past few weeks, the nation has been shocked and outraged at the ridiculous smears and disgusting attacks upon Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin. To her credit, the Alaskan governor has never faltered against the unprovoked, untrue charges thrown her way by the mainstream, Obama-loving media. In fact, she has made great progress in debunking most of these fictitious “scandals.” 
 
Unfortunately, attacks like the ones Governor Palin has to endure come with the territory in contemporary American politics. She is not the first candidate to be assaulted, and she will not be the last. Throughout this country’s history, contrived scandals and sickening smears have been the rule rather than the exception. Here is a look at some of the more laughable examples:
 
During the presidential election of 1804, Thomas Jefferson faced a challenge from South Carolina’s Charles Cotesworth Pinckney, the former Minister to France. Sensing an uphill battle, Pinckney launched a series of attacks against Jefferson, the incumbent. While history leads one to believe that the early days of America gave rise to polite gentlemen, Pinckney’s slings and arrows proved otherwise.
 
Just before the ballots were cast, Pinckney unleashed his “October Surprise.” His operatives distributed leaflets stating that Jefferson’s Louisiana Purchase was made for 60 million francs and a cancellation of an 18 million franc debt. This was widely known. However, Pinckney also alleged that Napoleon signed into the deal an agreement that would allow French citizens to be rude to Americans through eternity.
 
Sadly, the voters didn’t buy it, and Jefferson was reelected in a landslide.
 
The smears continued onward, and during the election of 1856, things got a little personal. Former President Millard Fillmore was running as the “Know-Nothing” candidate, and that in and of itself was ripe for smears. Thankfully, Democrat James Buchanan stepped up to the plate. 
 
After spending the better part of the year deliberately calling Fillmore “Mallard” because he was “ducking the issues,” Buchanan’s henchmen brought out the big guns. A story was leaked to the press stating that Fillmore, who was formerly a member of the Whig Party, actually wore a wig – and a corset – in the privacy of his own home. Buchanan also began referring to the former president as “Mildred.” The bald-faced lie shocked the populace and sunk any chance Fillmore had of returning to the White House. He landed a mere eight electoral votes.
 
Half a century later, little had changed. The smears, although a tad more sophisticated, were still just as despicable. Take the case of Alton Parker, the Democrat given the daunting task of unseating President Theodore Roosevelt in 1904. Parker, the Walter Mondale of his time, stood as much a chance of beating “TR” as Nancy Pelosi has being mentioned in George W. Bush’s will.
 
Desperate and afraid, Parker decided to attack early and often. The Democrat thought that the best way to do that was to attack Teddy’s Rough Rider image. He declared that Roosevelt did not sport “a real man’s mustache,” and because TR played tennis, he was too “effeminate” for America. The voters responded with uproarious laughter.
 
Parker then made a grave mistake. Drawing on Roosevelt’s “Speak Softly” speech, the challenger claimed that the President regularly got drunk and vandalized local Washington D.C. homes by smashing their windows “with a big stick.” Unfortunately, Parker quoted fictional “neighbors” who witnessed the event. Neighbors with such obviously fraudulent names like “Billy Shakespeare,” “Bea O’Problem” and “Al Koholic.” Parker’s credibility never recovered, and Roosevelt crushed his opponent in the general election.
 
Before Congressman Ron Paul suspended his Presidential campaign, Green party candidate – and special friend of the United States Capitol Police – Cynthia McKinney employed a distasteful smear tactic against him. McKinney launched a series of radio and television ads that claimed Ron Paul was, in fact, a cyborg. While it is common knowledge that Paul is a cybernetic organism is not the matter at hand. The smear came during the latter part of the advertisement, where McKinney stated that Paul, while powering-up his artificial intelligence, overloaded the country’s power grids and caused the Northeast Blackout of 2003.
 
Let’s face it; politics is a dangerous game, and it is best left to the professionals. All too often, however, candidates go too far – as is the case with the Palin bashing – and that not only harms the offending candidate, it harms the nation as a whole.
 
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here. 

FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.

 

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