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October 11, 2008

Barack Obama ‘Ayers’ His Dirty Laundry

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

The relationship between Democrat Presidential nominee Barack Obama and radical terrorist William Ayers has become one of the more controversial issues of the 2008 Presidential Election. Ayers, who had a hand in the bombings of New York City’s Police Headquarters, the Capitol Building, and the Pentagon in the early 1970s, recently claimed, “I feel we didn’t do enough.” Ironically, the main knock on Obama’s Presidential run is that he also hasn’t “done enough” to earn the highest office in the land.

The claims of an Obama-Ayers relationship are not in dispute. They know each other, have worked with each other, and Obama launched his political career from Ayers’ Chicago Hippie Mansion. It was black tie (and Black Panther) optional. The degree of the relationship, however, is debatable. Obama claims that the two are ships that pass in the night, and nothing more. Obama’s opponents believe that the Illinois senator and Ayers are bosom buddies who schedule sleepovers and play Ché Guevara dress-up.

Of course, Barack Obama is the Wonderful Wizard of (Daily) Kos who wants us to “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.” To wit:

At a Democrat debate this year when the association between Obama and Ayers was raised, Obama said: “This is a guy who lives in my neighborhood . . .. He’s not somebody who I exchange ideas from on a regular basis.” Obama called Ayers’ past radical acts detestable.

But critics note that Obama visited Ayers’ home for a meeting at the start of his first state Senate bid in the mid-’90s.

The UIC records showed that Ayers was instrumental in securing the $50 million education grant to reform Chicago Public Schools, part of a national initiative funded by the late Ambassador Walter Annenberg. After Chicago was awarded the money, Obama served as president of the Challenge’s board of directors, the fiscal arm that disbursed the grants to schools and raised private matching funds. Ayers participated in a second entity known as the Chicago School Reform Collaborative, the operational arm that worked with the grant recipients.

While Obama’s Ayers connection is disturbing, it is only the tip of the iceberg. Anonymous sources close to the Obama camp have leaked information about the Illinois senator’s other terrorist ties, and they are unbelievable. Here is a sample of his four most egregious relationships. Ladies and gentlemen, set your faces to stunned:

Celine Dion. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Canada’s most infamous export has been waging a war against good taste and the eardrums of healthy Americans everywhere. The continuous airplay of devilish tunes like “My Heart Will Go On” has been responsible for thousands of hospitalizations, and the suicides of dozens of cats. Apparently, the felines could not take the howling any longer, and overdosed on catnip.

Sen. Obama has had nothing but good things to say about Dion, and once referred to her as the Streisand of the 20th century. When informed that Barbara Streisand achieved her fame in the 20th century, Obama replied, “Oh. Well, Celine is the Streisand of the 21st century, then.”

Pepe Le Pew. Le Pew is a skunk of the highest order. This French reactionary specializes in chemical weapons, and has overseen the delivery of more dirty bombs than one would dare believe. An animal with a notoriously short temper, Le Pew has commenced chemical attacks on unsuspecting citizens for the past 40 years. He is unrepentant, and believes that he commits his atrocities out of “love.”

While vacationing in the French Riviera, Barack Obama was Le Pew’s honored guest, and spent a week at the terrorist’s beach compound. The two even spent the day sailing the Mediterranean Sea.

Stewie Griffin. Homicidal, genocidal, and (most importantly) matricidal; Stewie Griffin is one of America’s most dangerous men. The Rhode Island State Police has linked Griffin to numerous acts of violence, including the attempted murder of his mother and several assaults on the family dog. PETA considers Stewie Public Enemy #1. Do not let his age fool you: Stewie is already shooting at a third-grade level.

The problem with Griffin is that he is completely unremorseful. He relishes the spotlight, and is almost psychopathic in nature. He is also a certifiable genius who caught Obama’s eye on the campaign trail. The senator believes that Stewie’s intellect far outweighs his insanity, and rumor has it that Griffin is being considered for Obama’s Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Yosemite Sam. During his teenage years, Barack Obama cultured a relationship with notorious domestic terrorist Yosemite Sam. A despicable character, Sam has been linked to train robbery, arms dealing, kidnapping, and rabbit poaching. Quick to anger, Sam once shot a coyote for trying to drop an anvil on his head.

Sen. Obama once claimed that Yosemite Sam was “misunderstood,” and “a product of a racist American system that discriminates against short, red-haired people.” Insiders close to the Democrat nominee claim that an Obama Administration would give Sam a full pardon for any criminal act committed inside the United States.

Taken individually, these terrorist links could be explained away as a result of poor judgment in a time of weakness. Together, they shed insight into the very soul of the Democrat nominee. Barack Obama has made many serious errors in judgment in his 47 years. In these troubled times, can America really afford to have him at the helm?

FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective fromPhilly. You can visit his blog here.

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