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February 28, 2009
Exclusive: A Fat Tuesday Road Trip
Revelers, exhibitionists, and alcoholics across the country participated in Mardi Gras celebrations this week, completely oblivious to the Economic Katrina that is the Stimulus Package. People want a party, and they are not going to get one by watching President Obama drone on and on about our fiscal crisis. Besides, every time, he, Joe Biden, or Nancy Pelosi appears on camera, the Dow Jones drops 200 points, gallons of milk go bad, and doves cry.
Yes, times are bad, but not bad enough to miss the annual celebration in the Big Easy. And despite the economic woes, officials in Atlantis, er, New Orleans, expected massive crowds:
Partiers in New Orleans are taking one last chance to eat, drink and be merry before Lent. Tourism officials don't believe the economic downturn has dampened the mood at this year’s Mardi Gras celebrations, and say that big crowds over the weekend and nearly full hotels bode well for the annual event.
Believe it or not, some of the partiers in question were high-profile Washington insiders, flown to New Orleans by President Obama after his speech on Tuesday night. The entourage included such notable personalities as Vice-President Joe Biden, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, alleged Republican Sen. Arlen Specter, Sen. Ted Kennedy, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and former President Bill Clinton. Current White House Press Secretary Robert “Lightning” Gibbs recorded the minutes of the excursion. Here is a sample of the goings-on:
Tuesday, 10:30 p.m. – After finishing his speech, President Obama and his group boarded Air Force One for the trip to Louisiana. The boarding went smoothly, except for two instances. First, Sen. Kennedy demanded to see the drink cart before all of the passengers were aboard and had to be placated with free peanuts. Second, Secretary Clinton asked the Air Force steward if there was “a child seat available for my infantile spouse.” The MP’s had to physically separate the two before takeoff.
Tuesday, 11:45 p.m. – The “Kennedy Situation” played itself out after three rounds of Chivas Regal. The “Clinton Situation” de-escalated after the cabin crew aired a SpongeBob SquarePants DVD for the former president. A new fly in the ointment arose when Sen. Specter refused to get up from his seat. When President Obama questioned him, the senator remarked, “I’m afraid you will throw me out the air lock.”
Wednesday, 1:00 a.m. – Air Force One touches down at Louisiana. The passengers disembarked the plane into waiting limousines for transport to the French Quarter. Former president Clinton muttered something about the “Mile High Club,” while Vice-President Biden regaled the group with his historical knowledge of the area. “Did you know that Louisiana was originally settled by the Dutch? Why do you think there are so many levees here?”
Wednesday, 1:15 a.m. – During the limo ride, Speaker Pelosi stated, “I need to put on my face before I mingle with the commoners.” Ms. Pelosi asked the driver to pull over so she could retrieve her makeup bag from the trunk of the vehicle. It was carried over by three Secret Service agents, and weighed over 250 pounds. Included in the Speaker’s suitcase was a five-gallon bucket of liquid concealer, a diamond core chisel, and an industrial belt sander. Although this brought a giggle from the now-awakened Senator Kennedy, no one said a word.
Wednesday, 1:30 a.m. – After arriving at Bourbon Street, President Obama exited the limo and exclaimed, “People of New Orleans, I give you hope! I bring you change!” An obviously inebriated reveler shouted back, “Good, I need some for the parking meter!” The Secret Service rushed the reveler, and at last report, he was spending some quality time on the beaches of Guantanamo Bay.
Hillary and Bill Clinton were briefly seen together at the outside their limousine, but when Sen. Specter took their photo, Bill was already gone. The last time the Secretary of State saw her husband, he was running down Orleans Avenue sans pants and carrying beads. Mrs. Clinton’s response was a simple: “Damn it, Bill!” but she did crack a smile when Sen. Specter mused that the former president would catch a “magic STD bullet.”
Wednesday, 2:00 a.m. - Vice-President Biden and Speaker Pelosi strolled down Bourbon Street arm-in-arm with Sen. Kennedy in tow. Sen. Kennedy ducked into the Cat’s Meow bar and performed a brilliant rendition of Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” on the karaoke machine. While he did not receive any tips, the Massachusetts senator did land three ladies’ phone numbers. VP Biden and Speaker Pelosi walked to the House of Blues, and stared in amazement at young men and women exchanging beads. The Speaker looked up to the balconies and called, “Hey boys, someone throw me a set of beads! I’ll make it worth your while!”
Immediately thereafter, FEMA was summoned to clean up the vomit and attend to the sick.
Wednesday, 3:00 a.m. – After performing a few miracles (including raising Ted Kennedy from his barstool) and walking on water – Okay, it was actually discarded ice cubes – President Obama summoned his party to the limousines. It was not a pretty sight. Speaker Pelosi cried after going the entire evening without receiving one string of beads, and her mascara made her look like The Joker. VP Biden was depressed upon hearing that New Orleans was actually settled by the French, and Sen. Specter would not stop giving him grief about it. Secretary Clinton spent most of her evening telling people that she was not the woman who plays President Taylor on 24, and chafed when met with the response, “But I thought you were going to be president!”
Strangely enough, former President Bill Clinton was the only one who had a terrific time. After giving (and receiving) over 50 strings of beads, Bill played the saxophone with Blues Traveler at the House of Blues, interviewed a few prospective interns, and accosted Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal by yelling, “NERD!” from a hotel balcony.
All in all, it was a pretty nice road trip, especially since the Stimulus Package funded it.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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