- MUST READS
- PRODUCTS
- RESOURCES
- MULTIMEDIA
- ENFACTLOPEDIA
- FSM AUTHORS
- ABOUT US
- CONTACT US
- FSM BLOG
- DONATE
- PRESS COVERAGE
SEARCH FSM
- IN THIS SECTION
March 14, 2009
Exclusive: The Newest Spending Bill: Porky Pig Would Be Proud
President Obama signed the “omnibus” spending bill on Wednesday, a spending bill that contained more earmarks than a library copy of Tropic of Cancer. The bill possessed over 7,000 earmarks, totaling well over $5 billion. That is billion, with a “b.” Obama also issued a “signing statement” with the bill – something his administration crucified former president George W. Bush over. Painfully aware of his mounting hypocrisy, President Obama signed the bill in private.
Hope. Change. Financial Ruin.
President Barack Obama, sounding weary of criticism over federal earmarks, defended Congress' pet projects Wednesday as he signed an "imperfect" $410 billion measure with thousands of examples. But he said the spending does need tighter restraint and listed guidelines to do it. Obama, accused of hypocrisy by Republicans for embracing billions of dollars of earmarks in the legislation, said they can be useful and noted that he has promised to curb, not eliminate them.
When exactly can earmarks be useful? Is that express train from Sen. Harry Reid’s hometown of Las Vegas to Disneyland useful for anyone besides Dingy Harry? It is not as if people will be flying to Las Vegas to take the train to Disney. It’s called direct flights, people! As far as curbing earmarks and not eliminating them, that excuse is laughable. Is Captain HopeChange really impressed that he curbed the number of earmarks down to 7,191? That is akin to Hugh Hefner purchasing a new $10 million grotto for the Playboy Mansion, and submitting a “$5 Off” coupon to the builder. Yeah, that will make a dent!
The truly maddening part of all this is that the earmarks in this bill are woefully insipid. Taxpayer money for California tattoo removal? Hell, if some hippie decided to get Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face painted on his derriere, whose fault is that? A lobster museum in Maine? Here’s a much better idea: Let everyone who eats some delicious Maine lobster be granted museum status, and they can walk the streets while tour buses come up to them and snap photos. The folks will be so full and happy that they won’t mind the inconvenience.
Come to think of it, there are plenty of more viable ways to spend this $410 billion. For example, President Obama can funnel some of this cash to the Big Apple. Lord knows they could use a second NHL franchise. And no, the New York Islanders are not a real NHL franchise – they are the Ice Capades with sticks! This team is so bad that people would rather e-mail their boos to the franchise, instead of actually attending a game.
Speaking of losers with mental health issues, wouldn’t it be nice to send some money Nadya Suleman’s way? California’s Octo-Mom is strapped for cash, what with being a single mother to 14 children. Of course, any and all funds sent her way should be immediately be put toward her deportation. The American taxpayers will be footing the bill of raising this woman’s kids, but it is possible that she would thrive in a different environment – say Hugo Chávez’s socialist republic of Venezuela. Viva la Madre Ocho!
These are just a few wise spending ideas, but there are plenty of more examples. A million dollars can be sent to recently plump pop star Jessica Simpson for some much-needed liposuction. Another million can be shipped to the writers of ABC’s Lost, with the expressed intent of explaining just what the hell is going on there. A few million more can be put toward taking those annoying commercial spokespersons off the air – permanently. Billy Mays, Flo from Progressive Insurance, and Vince, the ShamWow Guy would be at the top of that list. Actually, money is no object when it comes to eliminating these three from the airwaves. They are that annoying.
Unfortunately, these suggestions would go unheeded, as the Obama administration has issues with hearing differing points of view. They will listen to people like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, and ignore the “little people,” like the voters who put them in office in the first place.
There is little doubt that Barack Obama entered politics with the best intentions. He probably really thought he could make a difference in people’s lives, and his advisors surely told him that he could be the lightning rod for change in the nation’s capital. Sadly, two months into his reign, Barack Obama has become another typical politician.
That is not the change we were looking for.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
Reader Comments: Submit Your Comment (0)
| Print This E-mail This |
|
