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March 21, 2009
Exclusive: And Now, an Urgent Message From Timothy Geithner
Good day, my fellow Americans, my name is Timothy Geithner, and I am currently the Secretary of the Treasury for the Obama administration. You may remember me as the guy who had a few minor “tax issues” in the past. So I forgot to pay close to $50,000 in self-employment taxes, what’s the big deal? The only person I was defrauding was my employer – me. It’s basically a victimless crime, like laughing at poor people!
Nevertheless, some of you have completely blown this incident out of proportion, labeling me as a “tax cheat,” a “deadbeat,” and “Mr. Poopy Pants.” Those kinds of attacks are completely uncalled for, and when President Obama implements the Fairness Doctrine for everyday language, you will all be very, very sorry. Just remember, the cells at Guantanamo Bay will soon be ready. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!
Anyway, I am here to discuss those ratfinks at AIG. Apparently, they had the unmitigated gall to take $165 million in bailout funds and use it to give themselves big, whopping bonuses. Excuse, me, AIG, but where do you get off taking hefty bonuses? You’re not Congress! These bonuses were allegedly used to buy mansions, yachts, and a life-sized replica of Donald Trump’s hair.
Obviously, this cannot stand, and my good friends in Congress are going to see that those involved will not get away with it. I have sent the Democrats on Capitol Hill a strongly worded letter, chock full of exclamation points, asking them to pursue legal action against AIG. The punitive measures currently being considered are as follows:
First, we plan to take back the $165 million by force, if necessary. Immediately after my letter was sent to Congress, I notified Lawyers R’ Us in Quantico, Virginia and asked them to be ready for deployment at a moment’s notice. We will require one well-dressed, Harvard-educated lawyer for every ten AIG employees, and they must be armed to the teeth with legal briefs, subpoenas, and rubber hoses. Similarly, we will require military transport to the AIG corporate offices, and I am told that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is wrangling a jet as we speak.
Second, if the first option fails, we will tax those who received bailout bonuses back to the Stone Age, or as we like to call it, “The ‘70s.” Believe me, after the Internal Revenue Service gets through with these shysters, Jimmy Carter’s malaise will seem like a day on a Hawaiian beach, bodysurfing with the president and his 8-minute abs! People said we were crazy to suggest 105% taxes, but my deputies and I are just crazy enough to try it. Don’t think we have the guts? Well, how does 110% taxes, grab you? We were waiting to unleash them on the unsuspecting American public, but we have no problem with making AIG our test run.
Third, the administration is preparing a “shock and awe” campaign that will humiliate and embarrass AIG’s corporate executives in both public and in the press. This Mother of All Aggravation will consist of name-calling, personal account exposure, and photo-shopped portraits. Most people will not crack under threat of force and taxation, but paint a mustache on a woman’s visage and I guarantee you will see the results you seek.
Also, President Obama is very serious about recouping this lost money, and he is not above trashing the odd CEO in his newest autobiography. In this outing, the president is a fairy princess that meets a dashing prince despite the efforts of his three wicked insurance executives. And President Obama is ready to name names, so be forewarned.
And finally, if all other measures are unsuccessful, the Treasury Department will play its trump card: Romanticized criminal enforcement. A Treasury agent, played by myself, will travel to New York City with the firm intention of putting these offenders behind bars. Since the local department is in bed with AIG, I will look outside the department for help. I will find it in a grizzled, old police beat cop, a brash, rookie sharpshooter, and a crafty accountant. I, with my “Untouchables,” will scour the city until every last AIG employee is brought to justice. Of course, we will look for charges other than “tax evasion,” because not paying your taxes is not illegal. At least not since I have taken office, that is.
Look, I realize that some of these methods seem excessive, but the president does not like to be embarrassed by his own idiocy. Do you remember what we did to Joe the Plumber? That man simply asked President Obama a question, and we destroyed him. The folks at AIG took $165 million and used it to give its members bonuses and rewards. How dare they spend money we gave them any way they pleased! From now on, when we grant the little people some bailout money, we will leave expressed instructions as to how each and every dollar will be spent. It’s called socialism, er, hope and change, people!
They may have won this battle, but I assure you, we will win the war.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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