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June 5, 2008

Music Soothes the Savage Beast

Dr. Harvey Kushner

Earlier this year the Transportation Security Administration announced it would be testing out soft glowing mauve lights and Muzak to fight terrorism. The latter, along with extra-friendly TSA agents, would greet passengers as they file through a security checkpoint at Baltimore International Airport.

TSA officials believe the bad guys will be easier to spot if everyone feels they are about to enter their favorite nightclub to hear the mellow tones of some Frank Sinatra impersonator. The new theory is that a friendly atmosphere will single out sweaty terrorists finding dim lighting and music offensive and reason to glare at a smiling TSA agent trained to pick up the slightest sign of aggression. Nice theory - will it work?

American Airlines announced last month that skyrocketing fuel costs have forced them to cut their domestic fleet by approximately 12%. I guess less American flights will cut down on air pollution while saving the cost-conscious carrier wasted fuel. Passengers, however, will realize more crowded flights going to fewer destinations.

Environmental issues aside, America will now charge for checked luggage in economy class. Yes, you heard it right. A fee for any checked luggage not just the second bag as other carriers have announced.

American's website (click the Updated Checked Bag Policies Tab) unashamedly states that passengers "who purchase domestic economy class tickets on or after June 15, 2008 will be charged $15 each way for the first checked bag and $25 each way for the second checked bag."

It's rather nice of American to concede that international travel merits free checked baggage, don't you think? It would be nearly impossible to carry aboard enough less-than-three ounce bottles of toiletries to satisfy a fortnight stay in London.

High fuel costs have seen carriers scrambling to save by reducing amenities once taken for granted by passengers flying coach. Pillows and non-Sky Mall magazines have all been sacrificed in favor of lightening the load to save fuel and money.

In a few short weeks, Jet Blue will no longer hand out free headphones during flights. Interested passengers will have the opportunity to buy the flimsy listening devices before they board.

Continental is still the only major carrier that serves free food on most of their domestic routes. On most flights, beverages and peanuts are all you'll get if you fail to visit the food court. We might even soon see alcohol service banned since it might insult Muslims. British Airways recently took beef off their menus to avoid offending Hindus.

Passengers have had to put up with extra charges for booking their tickets over the telephone and preferring exit-row and aisle seats for precious leg room. Now we are told that window seats will also come at a premium.

Is there really anybody not worried about canceled flights, airplanes pulled out for inspection, and overbooking?

You would have to be holed up somewhere along the Continental Divide not to have heard about the travails of the flying public. It's no wonder that passengers are agitated before they arrive at the airport much less cue up for a security check.

The TSA might want to now look for the smiling passenger dreaming of 72 virgins. The good guys are sweating and grinding their teeth while anticipating an ever-increasing expensive journey devoid of the niceties that once awaited them. Reevaluating the relationship between mood lighting and elevator music on terrorists will make us all safer as we head down the middle of the runway.

© All Rights Reserved Airport Press 2008

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