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March 28, 2009
Exclusive: North Korea’s Three-Martini Launch
Once upon a time, there was a dinky little backwoods Stalinist country called North Korea. The country, which split from its more prosperous neighbor South Korea in 1948, is a true socialist haven. In other words, human rights, economic prosperity, and basic foodstuffs are more difficult to come by than a good Ben Affleck film. Undeterred, its diminutive leader, Kim Jong-Il still finds the time to censor the media, throw lavish parties for himself, and spout more propaganda than a George Soros website.
In effect, Kim Jong-Il’s government is just like the Obama administration, without the fashion sense and teleprompter. The truly sad part is that if Jong-Il utilized the services of a teleprompter, he probably wouldn’t stick his foot in his mouth so often. Take this week, for example. The North Korean government has announced that they will proceed with their intended launch of a communications satellite, much to the chagrin and outrage of its neighbors. Japan, the United States, and even Oprah Winfrey have condemned the decision as an overtly aggressive action.
And if anyone knows a thing or two about an overtly aggressive action, it’s Oprah. Remember when she tried to shove that fictional claptrap from James Frey down her viewers’ throats in 2005? Most of her fans ripped that book into A Million Little Pieces.
Oprah’s outcry was the most respected inside the North, but the outcry of the United Nations has been the most vocal. Of course, the UN’s derision has fallen upon deaf ears in Pyongyang, and, as usual, the North Koreans have thumbed their noses at the rest of the world:
North Korea has declared its intention to send a communications satellite into space between April 4 and 8. Regional powers suspect the North will use the launch to test its long-range missile technology, and has warned Pyongyang the launch would trigger international sanctions.
A 2006 UN Security Council resolution prohibits North Korea from engaging in ballistic activity, which Washington and its allies say includes firing a long-range missile or using a rocket to send a satellite into space.
This is an interesting plan, but it is probably not one that should worry the United Nations and the countries of Southeast Asia. Here is why:
First of all, North Korea has a little problem generating electricity. There is an infamous photo that shows the Korean peninsula at night. The North is almost completely blacked out, while the South is glowing like a Christmas tree. Now, unless the North has swallowed the Al Gore Kool-Aid and starting an energy conservation plan, the reason for the darkness is clear: they cannot produce enough electricity for the country’s needs. If the North is going to attempt a rocket launch, they will need much more energy than they can currently provide, and sending out troops with kites during a lightning storm will not do the trick.
Secondly, the fuel situation in North Korea is a disaster. Only members of Kim Jong-Il’s inner circle can afford to drive a car, and even then it is difficult to procure enough gasoline to make it to and from the Party offices. How exactly will they get this satellite into orbit – by using an obscenely large rubber band? To get the amount of thrust needed for the rocket to clear the pad – not to mention the atmosphere – they will need a slingshot the likes of which has never been seen. Maybe they can use the waistband from a pair of Michael Moore’s underwear? Heck, with that amount of snap, the North could launch the satellite to Pluto!
Finally, North Korea does not have the technological savvy to pull off an event such as this. Most of the North’s “best and brightest” were smart enough to get the heck out of the country at the first opportunity. Of course, this would be the response when one of the rocket scientists received a call from Dear Leader:
Run the country’s space program? Well, you know I would be honored, but I have a hairstylist appointment outside the 38th Parallel.
The North Korean space program is most likely comprised with Kim Jong Il’s relatives and close personal friends. Their workstations are cluttered with “reference materials” such as Satellite Launches for Dummies, a Pet (Moon) Rock, and the original Star Wars Trilogy . . . in Beta format. These folks are simply there to collect a paycheck – if the satellite makes it out of the atmosphere, all the better.
Look, Kim Jong-Il has made a career out of saber rattling with the best of them. His vast Stalinist Empire is already cut off from most of the world, and he can barely feed himself, much less his citizens. So, in an act of bravado, he threatens to launch a “satellite” that may or may not be a cover for a ballistic missile test. Naturally, the free nations of the world declare shenanigans and promise sanctions.
What does Kim Jong-Il care? One cannot threaten to take away something from the man who has nothing. Jong-Il has nothing to lose, and everything to gain with this launch. And make no mistake: North Korea will conduct this test, and the world is powerless to stop him.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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