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April 4, 2009
Exclusive: Obama to Corporate Heads: ‘You’re Fired!’
Donald Trump has nothing on Barack Obama. Okay, The Donald has better hair, and when he appears on television, the stock market doesn’t pull a Greg Louganis, but other than that . . .
Earlier this week, President Obama asked for and received the resignation of General Motors Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner. The administration justified this idiotic move by claiming that the automobile corporation was not moving in the right direction. At least that was the spin that was given to the media. In reality, when GM accepted bailout money, it was the administration’s assumption that they owned them like Siegfried owns Roy. Obama was not happy with the “progress” of the company, so he called in their chips, and sent Wagoner to the bread lines.
Curiously enough, the president did not see fit to ask for the resignations of the mayor of Detroit and the governor of Michigan. That Democrat-controlled metropolis is not exactly headed in the right direction. It’s spiraling downward like bath water to a drain.
This unsettling precedent has everyone from corporate bigwigs to small-business owners shaking in their Bruno Maglis. If Washington can fire Rick Wagoner, whose head would be on the chopping block next? Rumor has it that the administration is going through American organizations with a fine-toothed comb. Like people in the dessert line at Michael Moore’s birthday party, no one is safe.
For example, the Obama administration is reportedly unhappy with the United States military. More specifically, the president is miffed at Gen. David Petraeus for winning the Iraq War. After claiming that the war was a mistake and it was virtually unwinnable, Petraeus orchestrated a surge that cleaned out almost every remnant of al Qaeda in the area. That cannot stand. Only one person is allowed to make Barack Obama look like a fool in public – and that man is Barack Obama. Well, maybe Michelle Obama, too, but that’s it. Expect Gen. Petraeus to get a pink slip in the next week.
Speaking of pink slips, the administration is currently orchestrating a “two-fer.” Remember the Tonight Show brouhaha from a few weeks ago? The president said that his bowling skills – or lack thereof – were “a little Special Olympics.” Obviously, people were outraged, and Obama’s poll numbers dropped faster than Nancy Pelosi’s BOTOX-ridden cheeks. As a result, the White House ordered a regime change at NBC. Michelle Obama will now run the network, and already a plethora of fashion and exercise programs have dotted the prime time lineup. The main subject of these efforts is none other than the First Lady herself. Michelle Obama: Fashion Guru, 8-Minute Arms With Michelle Obama, and For The First Time In My Life, I Am Proud Of This Dress are among the programs slated for a spring release.
Similarly, the head of the Special Olympics has been shuffled off to Buffalo, replaced by Obama’s Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. While Emanuel has no clue how to run a charitable organization – or how to donate money to one – he is merely there for damage control. The moment he steps into the corporate offices, his mission is clear: erase all evidence of Obama’s gaffe at all costs.
Not all of “Chairman” Obama’s acquisitions will be businesses that are struggling. In an attempt to glom onto some good economic news, the president has decided to let the government take over Microsoft. Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer will be escorted out of the building, and Obama’s lackeys will be rushed in. They will immediately take credit with “turning a struggling corporation around,” and swipe credit from the Microsoft founders. Naturally, neither Obama nor his representatives will take responsibility for the God-awful Windows Vista. That system has more bugs in it than the average San Francisco hippie’s dreadlocks. Shine on, you crazy diamond!
If the current trends continue, the Obama administration will own more private businesses than the former Soviet Union. For a closet socialist like the 44th president, this is Heaven on Earth – even if it makes life Hell for the average American worker. That being said, the truly maddening part about the Obama takeovers is this: The most inept, corrupt organization in America today is the United States Congress. Why can’t President Obama fire its CEO (Nancy “Bug Eyes” Pelosi) and set their rudder straight?
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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