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April 10, 2009
Exclusive: The U.S. Defense Department: Fighting Tanks With Slingshots
This week, Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced the administration would stop production of the F-22 Raptor, which is one of the most advanced strike fighters in the American military arsenal – not a giant mechanical dinosaur, as Vice-President Biden assumed. According to Defense Department sources, the official reason for the cutbacks are economic in nature – and in their defense, the jets cost millions of dollars apiece – but considering President Obama’s feelings on the military, one has to believe that the motives are a little more personal. The president and many in his administration has shown nothing short of contempt for the American armed forces, primarily because they interfere with his warped worldview.
The defense cuts did not stop with the F-22. Secretary Gates also announced that missile defense programs would face the axe, especially the missile shield that was proposed for some European NATO allies. This news was met with the expected results, as Poland immediately began scheduling mandatory Russian language classes for all of its citizens, and the Czech Republic released a statement professing their love of “all things German.”
Secretary Gates stated that the United States military was going forward in a new direction, accompanied by a feeling of “Hopey Changitude.” The Pentagon will now focus their spending efforts to meet the challenges of terrorism and leave behind the antiquated idea of a conventional war. Because, you know, no one fights a conventional war, anymore – just ask Kosovo, the Republic of Georgia, and Israel. The bullets, bombs, and missiles fired in those confrontations just started falling out of the sky. It was the darnedest thing!
So, with these impending cutbacks, what is the future of the American military? According White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs, the Defense Department has plenty of contingency plans to cover the recent project terminations. For example, the F-22 Raptors will be replaced by the newly re-commissioned F-4 Corsairs. These veterans of World War II have everything the Obama administration is looking for in a tactical fighter. The turboprop is better for the environment than a modern jet engine, and that in turn is good for the polar bears. When one considers that the Obama administration is committed to awarding polar bears the right to vote – and taking that right away from registered Republicans – this idea is win-win.
The F-4 is also armed only with machine guns, which will cut down on injuries and death for enemy pilots. Most World War II rounds would bounce off of a modern strike fighter, which gives the president an added benefit of not offending any foreign leaders and dignitaries. The president is deeply concerned with the loss of life for those outside American borders, which is curious since he doesn’t appear to have a problem with the loss of unborn life here at home. Secretary Gates has also stated that the planes will not be outfitted with missiles or bombs, but may be equipped with the latest in Hollywood sound effects. Sure, these planes will be useless in battle, but they will sound really cool. And with Obama, it is all about appearances.
Speaking of appearances, the now defunct missile shield project will be replaced with a tried and true policy that worked for our allies in the past: Duck and Cover. The president will be recording 30-second advertising spots promoting the plan to our European friends. The commercials will be broadcast in Polish, Czech, and “Austrian,” although President Obama is unsure how to say “duck and cover” in that ancient language. Now, the White House admits that this advice will not save lives in the event of a Russian or Chinese missile launch, but advisors believe that the president’s mesmerizing smile and his overwhelming charisma is “more than enough shield for our allies.”
Sadly, the military cuts are slated to continue for the next four years. Controversial transformations include removing the aircraft from aircraft carriers, eliminating the expensive stealth technology from the stealth bomber, and rearming our soldiers with paintball guns. At this rate, even the army of Luxembourg will not be intimidated by us.
What is happening to this nation? The American military has long been the gold standard the world’s armed forces look to emulate. It has been seen as the most impressive military power in the last 100 years. Its only downturn came during the Carter administration, when the defense budget was slashed and cut like never before. The result was a weakened state of defense that took more than a decade to rebuild. No one wants to relive the Carter years, especially our brave servicemen and women fighting abroad. They deserve better than this. They deserve better than the Obama administration is giving them.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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