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June 7, 2008

Exclusive: The International Olympic Committee, or, the Five Rings of Hades

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

The International Olympic Committee - you remember them after their brilliant decisions to hold the Olympics in Soviet-era Moscow, Sarajevo, Yugoslavia, and Beijing, China - has decided upon their final four contestants to host the 2016 Summer Games.For some reason, this story has usurped the Brangelina Twins debacle from the headlines, and pushed that idiotic movie starring The Horse-Faced Woman - Sarah Jessica Parker - to the Classifieds section.

No one is exactly sure why being awarded the Olympic Games is such an honor, since it means that a city will have to spend billions of dollars to receive a little publicity, some decent exposure, and more headaches than a blind date with Lindsay Lohan.The list reads like a Who's Who of terrible choices:

"Chicago was one of four cities selected as bid finalists Thursday, along with Tokyo; Madrid, Spain, and Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The lineup sets up a high-profile contest featuring major cities from the Americas, Europe and Asia.

Failing to make the International Olympic Committee shortlist were three cities - Doha, Qatar; Prague, Czech Republic, and Baku, Azerbaijan."

Let's start with the failed bids.Doha, Qatar? Are you kidding me? "Um, Vanna, I would like to buy a consonant!"Awarding the Games to Doha would be akin to awarding them to the Sun - except the sun is much cooler, with friendlier residents.Temperatures in Doha average well over one hundred degrees in the summer.Unless you want to see Olympic athletes dropping like cookie crumbs out of Michael Moore's mouth, steer clear of this burgh.

What about Baku, Azerbaijan?Is this a real country, or a village from The Lord of the Rings?Who in their right minds would want to stage the Olympics in a former Soviet republic, which also happens to border Iran?On the other hand, the time trials for the track and field meets would be interesting, with the athletes competing in body armor!Note to the IOC: tradition dictates that host countries become war zones after the Olympics are held, not before.

The final four participants are puzzling at best. Madrid has become an Islamic extremist haven, characterized by passenger train bombings and failed airport attacks.Cripes, this year, The Running of the Bulls is scheduled to take place inside a bomb shelter!How is this city supposed to protect thousands of Olympic spectators?Armored Segways are not the answer. Better luck next year.

Rio de Janeiro is a decadent, hedonistic cesspool, more suited for Spring Break and Girls Gone Wild XXXVI than for an Olympiad.The Olympians no longer wear loincloths while competing, so the Games will probably bore most Brazilians.Sure, they'll flock to the stadiums to watch the soccer tournament, but how many citizens will obtain tickets to the marathon?Zero.The winners are a foregone conclusion, anyway. It will be a man from Kenya and a woman from Austria.Big deal.

Amazingly enough, the American media is crowing about the fact that Chicago is one of the finalists. As if they had a realistic chance.Heck, Barack Obama has a better chance of making a speech without the words "hope" and "change" than the Windy City has of landing the Olympics. Until political corruption, bratwurst-eating contests, and drive-by shootings become Olympic events, Chi-town's odds are thinner than Mary-Kate Olsen.

The upside to Chicago is that they could enter the Cubs into the baseball tournament.The Olympic rules decree that all athletes must be in amateur status, and they don't get any more amateur than the occupants of "The Friendly Confines."

The winner of this bizarre love square, of course, will be Tokyo, Japan.Tokyo has it all: a huge mass-transit infrastructure, ample security (courtesy of the United States of America), and karaoke bars as far as the eye can see. Tokyo is also an obvious victor because the IOC will want to make up for its embarrassing choice of Beijing "We Crush More Dissent Before 8AM Than Most Countries Do All Day" China.They will do so by choosing its Asian counterpart.The worst civil rights violation perpetuated by Japan is the constant manufacture of Hello, Kitty merchandise!They will be awarded the 2016 Summer Games.Count on it.

Now, if only they could rectify the Godzilla problem . . .