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June 13, 2009
Exclusive: One Flew Over the Coup Coup’s Nest
Considering the recent political events occurring in upstate New York, this fictitious announcement is not completely off base:
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is an alert from the Emergency Broadcast System for residents living in the area of Albany, New York. First, we are sorry that you are forced to live so close to our knucklehead politicians. Second, according to confirmed reports, there is a noxious cloud of Insanity Gas hovering around the city and suburbs.”
“The gas, while not fatal, can dramatically heighten a person’s sense of nuttiness. For example, if Tom Cruise were affected, he would immediately divorce Katie Holmes and marry his Eyes Wide Shut script. The highest concentration of fumes seems to be centered on the State Capitol Building, and the first casualties arriving at the hospitals have been politicians.”
This announcement is obviously a gross exaggeration – like when people say that Rosie O’Donnell’s head is larger than the national debt – but it does have elements in truth. Something is going terribly wrong in Albany. So wrong, in fact, that some members of the State Senate have participated in an actual coup.
“Less than a month ago, Democrats and Republicans posed like one big happy family for their class picture, but a dramatic coup to depose Senate Majority Leader Malcolm Smith has left everybody in Albany wondering what's happening next, and has left an awful lot of hard feelings.
Smith didn't show his face Tuesday, but sources said legal action is being considered to stop Republican Dean Skelos from becoming majority leader and renegade Democrat Pedro Espada from becoming Senate President pro tem, one step away from being governor.
Right now the doors to the Senate are locked, so the big question is whether Democrats open it in time for session Wednesday.”
Why are the Senate doors locked? Are they trying to keep people from getting inside the chamber, or are they preventing politicians from getting out and infecting the populace like the politically undead? It is probably a little from column one and a little from column two, but the fact remains: Paris Hilton is probably working harder than the New York Senate is right now.
The origins for these shenanigans have been widely reported on, but there have been a few causes that flew under the mainstream media’s radar. For example, New York Gov. David Paterson angered senate Republicans by manipulating his disability to his own ends. When approached with GOP legislation, Paterson pretended that he could not read the wording because he is legally blind. Upon hearing the inevitable protests, the governor smiled and calmly stated, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t see you,” before exiting his office.
Paterson, of course, was only one spoke in this bicycle wheel of ineptitude. Businessman B. Thomas Golisano, the owner of the NHL’s Buffalo Sabres, suggested the coup because of Malcolm Smith’s embrace of traditional Democrat ideals – crippling tax increases and spending that would make a drunken sailor seasick. Sources say that Golisano made his fateful decision when Smith ignored his impassioned pleas for financial responsibility. Wow, if everyone orchestrated a political coup because a politician treated them like yesterday’s garbage, this country would look less like America and more like Uganda.
Now normally, setting up a government overthrow would mean big trouble, but not for Golisano, who always travels with two of the Sabres’ biggest goons. Sure, the helmets and ice skates are not exactly appropriate chamber attire, but who is going to argue with them? Certainly not a pipsqueak like Malcolm Smith.
Speaking of Mr. Smith, this one is not going to Washington anytime soon. The nation’s capital has more than enough blowhards already. When the coup occurred, Smith and his cronies turned out the lights locked the chamber doors, and allegedly hid the key. As if that would stop people from entering the room. Everyone knows that politicians have friends in low places, and surely an enterprising member of the senate could call in a favor for a “street locksmith” to gain entry.
But, like most politicians, Smith never thinks things through. This man picks his battles like Ben Affleck picks his film roles: Poorly. Instead of working out the differences between the two parties in a rational manner, Smith decided to take his ball and go home: Not very mature, and more importantly, not very smart. The Dems have not been in control of the New York Senate for four decades, and after this nonsense, they may be back in power when Hillary Clinton makes the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
The official motto of New York State is “Excelsior,” which means “Higher” in Latin. Sadly, the state is lower because of the actions of these clueless wonders. After a week like this one, it is difficult to believe that even one New York politician has any credibility left. The entire group – Democrats and Republicans alike – made fools of themselves during this debacle, and it will take a lot of work to repair the damage already done. If the members of the New York Senate determine to act like spoiled little brats, the only ones truly hurt are the voters who put these men and women in office in the first place.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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