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June 14, 2008

Exclusive: Get Ready for Paul-A-Palooza 2008!

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Are you an angry, gun-toting loner who thinks that the government is chock full of conspiracies and cover-ups?Do you yearn for a simpler time when Americans could vote for anyone on the planet, whether they are running for office or not?Are you a big fan of cyborgs?If so, than this story may be right up your survival bunker:

"Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul is planning a daylong rally in Minnesota during the Republican National Convention that could draw attention from the presumed nominee John McCain.

The Texas congressman with a devoted following has tentatively reserved the Williams Arena at the University of Minnesota on September 2, the second day of the GOP convention."

Some of you may be thinking, "Why hasn't this guy conceded the race yet?"That is a good question. A better question would be, "Is Ron Paul still running?"The answer to the second question is, obviously, yes.The answer to the second question is a bit more complicated.

You see, Ron Paul is a cybernetic organism - or "cyborg" for short.He was manufactured to strike fear in the hearts of politicians everywhere.The only problem is that his creators made him look much too old and frail.Who in their right mind would be afraid a man who resembles C. Montgomery Burns?Exactly.No one.

Anyway, Ron Paul was never fitted with a "surrender" chip. He is the closest thing American politics has to a terminator.And like the terminator, he can't be bargained with, can't be reasoned with, and will not stop, ever: at least until he wins the GOP nomination.Paul currently owns 24 delegates. That puts him only 1,167 delegates short of landing the Presidential nod.John McCain currently owns 1,575 delegates, which puts him 384 delegates past the number needed to secure the nomination.

And you thought Clinton-Obama was a close race.The McCain-Paul battle royal makes the 2000 election look like a landslide!

Nevertheless, the Texas congressman is still in it to win it, and his Paulbots are standing by his side . . . in perfectly aligned straight rows . . . doing complicated mathematical problems within their central processing units.The Williams Arena will certainly be rocking on September 2nd, as Paul's delegates proudly stand up and be counted.Of course, with only 24 delegates, they could have just as easily held the rally inside the Minneapolis Motel 6 - or inside the men's room of the Guthrie Theater.

Although the final plans for Paul-A-Palooza have not yet been finalized, sources have been leaking information to the media at a steady pace.And in the case of the Paulbots, they have been throwing messages attached to bricks through the windows of the Associated Press.

The first brick, which, sadly, struck a clerk typist, described the entrance of Congressman Paul. Apparently, he is scheduled to enter the Williams Arena riding on a gold chariot pulled by a beautiful white steed.Okay, Paul's' war chest cannot afford a gold chariot, so it will be gold-plated . . . with gold paint.

Okay, they can only afford yellow paint, but you get the idea.

The second brick revealed some of the speakers for the gala.The first speaker will be someone with the gravitas to capture the attention and imagination of the capacity crowd.That man is none other than Garrison Keillor. After listening to a live version of A Prairie Home Companion for 30 minutes, Congressman Paul will look like The Beatles.

After Keillor warms up the crowd, Paul's presumptive Vice President will take the stage.The identity of this future superstar is a closely guarded secret, but rumor has it that it will be someone who makes Paul look young and vibrant.He basically needs political Viagra. In a remarkable gesture of reaching across the aisle, Senator Robert Byrd (D- WV) has been asked to become Paul's veep.Let's face it; compared to Byrd, Ron Paul is a prepubescent teenager!

By this time, the crowd will be more loud and raucous than an episode of Jerry Springer. Naturally, there will be more rednecks and inbreeds at the Paul event, but the chances of chair throwing are about the same. Either way, the event is sure to drown out the GOP Convention across town, what with the police sirens and all.

Enter Ron Paul.The pinnacle of the evening will be the appearance of the presumptive lunatic fringe nominee in front of his huddled masses.After entering the arena as a conqueror, Paul will come on stage dressed as George Washington.He was slated to toss silver dollars to the crowd, but budgetary concerns nixed that idea.Paul will be throwing Red Hot Dollars instead.As he takes the podium, a hush will come across the crowd.Ron Paul knows he has them where he wants them, and then it happens:

University of Minnesota Security will escort the congressman from the premises, because his rental check has bounced.

Look, Ron Paul's' rival convention is a terrific idea - in theory.Yes, the GOP has some serious issues with John McCain, and many of those issues have merit.In practice, a publicity stunt like this makes Paul look like the kook that many Republicans think he is. Paul will not win the nomination, and Paul will eventually have to concede.It is probably a better idea to do so before this anti-convention nonsense gets underway.

FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.