Exclusive: Barack Obama and the Blustery Day

by SATIRE BY SHAWN GOODWIN June 21, 2008

Children's stories.They lift up dampened spirits and create flights of fancy for both the young and the young at heart.Everyone needs an escape from reality once in a while, even the most powerful men and women in the free world.

Of course, it is expected that these movers and shakers would take a trip to Fantasy Island when they were in the privacy of their own homes.To think that potential members of a possible Presidential administration would turn to a children's book to make policy decisions is about as wise as giving Dennis Kucinich our nuclear launch codes.So, imagine the surprise the nation (and the world) received when seeing this story from the Telegraph:

Richard Danzig, who served as Navy Secretary under President Clinton and is tipped to become National Security Adviser in an Obama White House, told a major foreign policy conference in Washington that the future of U.S. strategy in the war on terrorism should follow a lesson from the pages of Winnie the Pooh, which can be shortened to: if it is causing you too much pain, try something else.

Mr. Danzig told the Centre for New American Security: "Winnie the Pooh seems to me to be a fundamental text on national security."

Winnie the Pooh?Really?All this time idiots and dolts like Washington, Lincoln, and Roosevelt wasted their lives reading Thomas Paine's Common Sense and Sun Tzu's The Art of War? If only Barack Obama had been born earlier, he could have steered these mediocre men to true greatness. Imagine the impact that Pooh Diplomacy would have on our nation:

1776 - George Washington soundly defeats the British in the Battle of New York, after ordering his troops to avoid cannon fire by bouncing around like Tigger.

1928 - Presidential candidate Herbert Hoover is swept into office with the slogan, "A chicken in every hunny pot, and a house in every tree."

1976 - President Jimmy Carter becomes the most popular chief executive in American history after his "malaise speech" wins over the Eeyore demographic.

While Danzig is at it, he might as well throw some other beloved children's favorites into policy, too. Dr. Seuss would be a good place to start."Horton Hears A Who" can be mildly modified into "Horton Hears Iranian Bombers Overhead," because Pooh Diplomacy coddles our enemies instead of engaging them.Note to Danzig: coddling our enemies will not endear them to America. It will give them an opportunity to strike.

Don't think that domestic enemies are immune to Pooh Diplomacy, either.Considering Barack Obama's stance on our porous borders - "Come on in, folks! I think there's still some room left in Montana!" - terrorists may come and go as they please.Luckily for the Illinois senator, there is a fundamental text to address that issue.It's entitled, "How the Grinch Stole Our Freedom."The sad part is that after the dirty bombs, suicide attacks, and rampant kidnappings of American civilians, President Obama would be paralyzed - continually waiting for al Qaeda's heart to grow three times its size.

Even domestic policy can be manipulated to fit the Obama administration's story parameters.When the President is running for re-election, his staff can determine voting trends and electoral votes by utilizing the "One Fish, Two Fish, Red State, Blue State" method. Unfortunately, when Obama screws up in real life, the Cat in the Hat won't come by to clean up his mess.

And speaking of messes, that is exactly what this country will be dealing with under this candidate.Completely opposed to alternative energy solutions - no drilling for oil, no new nuclear plants, no mining for coal - life under President Obama will soon resemble Carter's gas lines.Citizens will have to choose between buying gas and buying food, but never fear: the commander-in-chief will issue rations for all of the "Green Eggs and Ham" you can eat.

Try eating moldy ham and eggs for a month.It would cure the obesity problem, but it might contribute to too many "greenhouse" gasses, too.Soon, even his most staunch supporters will be marching on Washington, chanting, "Marvin K. Obama, will you please go now!"

Richard Danzig's comments were poorly chosen at best and idiotic at worst.To think that he may land such an important position in a Barack Obama administration is simply frightening.If this is the "hope" and "change" that will be forthcoming from am Obama Presidency, then America is truly doomed.And that is no fairy tale.