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September 19, 2009
Exclusive: Hellooooo, Mr. Wilson!
A full week after the “You Lie!” congressional outburst, the Joe Wilson Shooting Gallery is still open for business. Politicians, pundits, and moonbats alike are still calling for the South Carolina congressman’s head on a silver platter, but since the Obama economy is still in the sewer with the alligators and my son’s pet goldfish, legislators will have to settle for a paper plate. The last time someone gave Mr. Wilson this much trouble, it was during an episode of Dennis the Menace.
For his part, Wilson immediately expressed his regret for the incident. Unfortunately, he had to go through Rahm Emmanuel, because President Obama’s “Open Door” always seems to get stuck when a Republican comes a-callin.’ Someone in the White House Tool Shed – otherwise known as Hillary Clinton’s office – needs to go to Lowe’s and buy some WD-40.
Nevertheless, the congressman told the president he was sorry and the apology was accepted.
For most people, the apology would be enough. For the Democrat-controlled Congress? Not so much. Nancy Pelosi and her legion of the undead demanded a few pounds of flesh from Rep. Wilson, as well as a few quarts of precious, tasty blood. Naturally, human blood is the only thing that keeps Pelosi looking so “young and vibrant,” which explains why the vampires enacted their own brand of “even-handed” justice:
The House of Representatives, on the heels of an impassioned and lively debate, voted Tuesday to formally admonish Rep. Joe Wilson, R-S.C., for accusing the president of lying during a joint session of Congress a week ago.
The vote was 240-179. Five lawmakers voted "present."
The decision to punish him on the floor of the House was made even though Wilson apologized directly to the White House after President Obama's speech Wednesday night. Wilson also issued a written statement expressing regret.
So Wilson apologized to the president – through his henchman, Boris Karloff – and issued a written statement expressing regret. That’s it? Is that really all Wilson could do to rectify this situation? Hardly. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi believed that not only was an official congressional punishment in order, but also an itemized list of penitent acts. Always the merciful empress, Pelosi’s list filled 128 single-spaced pages, and included more hilarious acts than an off-Broadway production of The Producers. To wit:
Item #7: The Democrat congressional leadership demands that Rep. Wilson embarks – at his own expense – a nationwide apology tour for the calendar year 2010. The tour will make stops in all of President Obama’s 57 states, and will run from sea to shining sea. The representative’s first act will be to rent biplanes – again, at his own expense – to fly up and down the nation’s beaches trailing a banner that reads, “I’m sorry, President Obama.” Similarly, the representative will issue a recording, to be played on all boardwalk trams, that states, “My name is Joe Wilson, and I am an ignorant individual. Don’t be like me. Watch the tram car, please.”
Item #146: If Rep. Wilson would like to continue serving in this most open and ethical Congress, it would behoove him to embrace and support some of his lesser-respected colleagues. Repsm Barney Frank and Charlie Rangel could use someone in their corner, and as a penance, Rep. Wilson will travel to their homes – at his own expense – to mow their lawns, wash their cars, and paint their fences. The last chore, er, “privilege” will symbolize congress’ whitewashing of Frank and Rangle’s many infamous scandals.
Item #308: Finally, Madame Speaker decrees that Rep. Wilson “toe the Democrat line” for the duration of his term. More specifically, during future joint sessions of Congress, the representative must now shout “You da man!” any time President Obama finishes a sentence. It is also recommended that Mr. Wilson elbow his neighbor and whisper, “He’s right,” when the POTUS makes a salient point.
The representative must also work on his “community organizing” activities, including such grassroots efforts as registering infants, the deceased, and the tragically stupid (see also: Michael Moore) to vote Democrat. Extra credit will be given if Congressman Wilson comes up with a new “catchy” name for the recently discredited ACORN. Something cheery, such as “The Artist Formerly Known as ACORN” may suffice.
And last, but certainly not least, Rep. Wilson must lose the southern accent. It has been deemed offensive to the liberal ear, and it is yet another reminder of the Slavery Era. The Speaker suggests that the representative adopt a Boston accent, which is only offensive to New York Yankees fans.
Now, it is true that some hypocritical politicians, clueless media types, and left-leaning pundits are doing everything in their power to ruin Joe Wilson’s political career. They are trying to destroy a man because he made the unforgivable sin of interrupting the president during a joint session of Congress. Oh, the horror! Sadly, these very same people had no problem when President George W. Bush was booed, hissed, and heckled during his 2005 State of the Union address. To continue this path of unending punishment demeans the already soiled reputation of the United States Congress.
Not that the current Democrat leadership cares. The fact remains that there is blood in the water, and the Beltway sharks are still hungry. If this faux scandal keeps up, Rep. Wilson is going to need a bigger boat.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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