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Five Sept. 11 Suspects to Face Trial in New York

The Obama administration has announced it will try 9-11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and other 9-11 Gitmo detainees in a civilian federal court in New York, allowing them the protections of the U.S. Constitution even though they are not U.S. citizens.

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Four Radical Chinese Muslims Transferred to Bermuda

Four Chinese Uighers (radical Chinese Muslims) were recently transferred to Bermuda. Do you think it's a good idea to release Gitmo detainees to idyllic vacation retreats?

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June 28, 2008

Exclusive: A Message from ‘The First Black President’

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Good morning, my fellow Americans!This is your once and future king, former President William Jefferson Clinton. I will now pause to breathe in your cheers, adulation, and perfume.(Mmm, that's nice.Is that Chanel?)It is my great pleasure to be speaking to you today about the man who will lead this country to greatness: Barack Hussein Obama.

Oh, I am being told that we cannot refer to Sen. Obama by his middle name.We better edit that out.What?This speech is going on live?Oh.Anyway, earlier this week I had one of my lackeys throw my support to Sen. Obama. Here is what he said:

"President Clinton is obviously committed to doing whatever he can, and is asked to do to ensure Senator Obama is the next president of the United States," Clinton spokesman Matt McKenna said.

That's pretty eloquent, don't you think?I only wish I had written the words.The announcement has been the source of great confusion amongst you, my loyal Clintonians, since I so thoroughly trashed Obama during the Democrat primary.As such, I felt it necessary to explain myself.

First, I have not yet publicly endorsed Barack Obama.I am a poker player - well, a strip poker player - and I like to hedge my bets.Obama is the presumptive Democrat candidate, but anything can happen between now and the national convention.Hillary may pull off a possible coup to seize the Michigan and Florida delegates, some superdelegates, and a case of "cankle" cream.Have you seen those things?They're huge!Since anything is possible with her, I will refrain from publicly crowning any candidate until after the convention.

Second, I am all about the Party.And by "Party," I mean the kind of gathering that lands me more fabulous babes.Which candidate is more likely to have hot and cold running broads in attendance: 200-year-d John McCain, or happenin' man-about-town Barack Obama? I think the choice is obvious. Imagine the hero's welcome I will receive when I publicly endorse Obama for President.Babes, money, and shaving commercials - I'll be back on top of the world again!

Finally, and possibly most importantly, Sen.Obama is still spanning the globe looking for the perfect running mate.He certainly will not choose my wife, because most Americans hate her guts, but the Clinton name is still worth Hillary's weight in gold.He will need an experienced politician to guide him in the ways of the Chief Executive, and a strong Vice-President to offset his radical, lunatic policies.What better man to do that than yours truly?

And if I may speak off the record for a moment, may I ask what the heck is wrong with you people?How in the world did some inexperienced political hack from Chicago earn the presumptive nomination of the exalted Democrat Party?What do you even know about this guy, besides the fact that he mentions the words "hope" and "change" 30 times in every speech?

No one can ask him about his credentials, because that would be racist.No one can ask about his wife, because that would be sexist.(Although, no one had any problems attacking Hillary during her campaign.)No one can mention his middle name, because that would fuel Islamophobic - and the guy is not even a Muslim!What can we ask him?Can we ask him why he would be pictured riding a bicycle with one flat tire while he was dressed like Steve Urkel?

Do y'all remember my two terms as President?Of course you do, since it was the highlight of your lives.When I was running for office in 1992, anyone and everyone criticized me.I was asked every question under the sun, from the sublime to the ridiculous."Did I ever smoke marijuana?"Are you kidding me?It was the Sixties!Everyone smoked marijuana!The media dragged through my private life with a fine-tooth comb.My rivals, both Democrats and Republicans alike, attacked my family.Most political pundits criticized my political record.

And what happened? I wiped the floor with George H.W. Bush in 1992 and Bob Dole in 1996. I could take the slings and arrows that come with a Presidential campaign.For some reason, Barack Obama refuses to take off his diaper.I can help with that.

Look, we all know that I am destined to return to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue riding atop a gilded white steed.We all know that you need Slick Willy back in power to rule you like a king.And we all know that Barack Obama couldn't govern his way out of a paper bag.This is your chance, America. This is your chance to bring me back!You know you want to - so join me, and together we can rule the galaxy!

FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.

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