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January 9, 2010
Exclusive: Lies and the Lying Liars Who Are Rewarded For Them
Prostitution is sometimes coined “the world’s oldest profession,” but the world’s oldest deceptive act is most surely the lie. The Bible teaches that the first lie was spoken during the time of Adam and Eve. Satan told the pair that if they ate the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, they would become gods. They did, and were rewarded with pain, suffering and unsightly back hair. Gods? Eh, not so much.
The Bible also teaches that lying is an immoral, sinful act. Not that it has stopped anyone from doing it. In fact, lying is not only seen as acceptable in some circles these days (see Bill Clinton) it is also rewarded. Take this case of a Wisconsin man who won a bizarre honor:
The Burlington Liars Club has bestowed its highest award for this line: “I just realized how bad the economy really is. I recently bought a new toaster oven and as a complimentary gift, I was given a bank.”
The line gives Larry Legro of Sun Prairie the dubious – but serious – distinction of being [2009’s] World Champion Liar. The 58-yea-old health inspector says he’s ecstatic. A judge says Legro’s lie won because it was both clever and topical.
How is it possible that some Average Joe can win the title of World Champion Liar when there are so many more notable and more deserving candidates? This country is chock full of 535 professional liars, otherwise known as Congress, and hundreds upon hundreds of local and state politicians who make their bones by telling more tall tales than Captain Jack Sparrow. The fact of the matter is that lying has a long history in American politics.
America’s first liar’s club began in 1774 with the First Continental Congress, when Delaware delegate Caesar Rodney told his cohorts that he invented the Caesar salad. Since that time, the congressional liar’s club has not only survived, but has also prospered ever since. American’s politicians wrote the book on lying – unless they were lying when they made that claim – and everyone from Aaron Burr to Zachary Taylor has made at least one contribution that would have won a World Champion Liar award. Here are some of the most notable contenders:
1789 – Moments after taking the Oath of Office, President George Washington bowed to the crowd and promised that he would serve the fledgling country without compensation. Backstage, Washington flagged down Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton and presented him with a list of demands. The list included an annual salary of $500, five buxom lasses, and free axe sharpening for life at any participating Log Cabin Depot.
1804 – President Thomas Jefferson paid French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte $15 million for an area that encompassed 828,800 square miles. This territory made up the Louisiana Purchase, a deal which was seen as terribly lopsided in favor of the Americans. How did Jefferson seal the deal so cheaply? He told Napoleon that the area was crawling with bubonic plague, man-eating cows, and ignorant Americans.
1841 – President William Henry Harrison told onlookers that his inaugural speech would be short and to the point. Two hours and 8,444 words later, many in the audience on that cold, damp day were already succumbing to frostbite. Harrison’s fib would come back to haunt him, as his long-windedness helped him catch the cold that killed him a month later.
1898 – Col. Theodore Roosevelt led the “Rough Riders” on two charges during the Spanish-American War; one up Kettle Hill and one up San Juan Hill in Cuba. He was proud of his First U.S. Volunteer Calvary Regiment; maybe a bit too proud. Roosevelt bragged that he and his regiment received their nickname because they were tough as nails. In actuality, they were deemed the “Rough Riders” because after weeks on horseback, most of the soldiers had saddle sores not even the fluffiest of pillows could conquer.
1948 – The Chicago Tribune runs the infamous headline “Dewey Defeats Truman” after Election Day, a decision allegedly based upon inaccurate polling data. At least that is the story Truman would have you believe – a story that is a complete and utter lie. In fact, the Democrat president paid a Tribune copywriter a handsome sum to print the erroneous headline to stick it to the conservative publication. Ouch.
1973 – Georgia Gov. Jimmy Carter files an official report of his 1969 UFO sighting. The defense rests.
Larry Legro may be deserving of last year’s World Champion Liar. However, since the award is given by the Burlington Liars Club, the title is severely limited in scope. To be recognized as a true world title, the BLC should look outside its own borders. They will not have to look far, though, since Washington, D.C. is only about 750 miles away. Hundreds of candidates await your ruling, gentlemen!
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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