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Independence Day Weekend

Americans celebrate our independence with annual traditions.

Based on the current state of our country, which item best represents what you will be doing this holiday weekend?

Modernize my home to be energy efficient according to O’s standards
Lowering the asking price on the sale of my home. AGAIN
Writing another letter to my Congressional Rep – that I know they won’t read. AGAIN
Tuning out ANY coverage of Michael Jackson
Scheduling any potential surgeries I think I may need
Updating my family’s passports
Using Hamburger Helper for my July 4th BBQ
Going to warehouse store to buy normal incandescent light bulbs – in bulk
Tuning out ANY coverage of “the one”

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Four Radical Chinese Muslims Transferred to Bermuda

Four Chinese Uighers (radical Chinese Muslims) were recently transferred to Bermuda. Do you think it's a good idea to release Gitmo detainees to idyllic vacation retreats?

Yes
No
Not Sure

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July 5, 2008

Exclusive: Declare Your Independence from Dumb Politicians

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all politicians are created equally stupid, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Idiocy.

America is celebrating Independence Day this weekend, and while the rest of the world couldn't care less, the citizens of the United States are cherishing their freedom to tap a keg, watch the Philadelphia Phillies squander away first place, and download photos of Angelina Jolie's twins.

It is amazing that this country has survived for 232 years.

When the Founding Fathers penned the Declaration of Independence, they knew they were risking their lives.England and King George would consider it treasonous, and the signers would be executed for their crimes. Some governmental representatives considered the whole idea a tragic mistake, since the war was going badly, and America needed a miracle to defeat the greatest army in the world.

Thankfully, great politicians like Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Richard Henry Lee decided that this great "mistake" was worth the risk.They stood by it; consequences be damned.Wouldn't it be great if today's politicians did the same?

Unfortunately, most do not, and because of that they fall into the inevitable trap of "misspeaking" - a term that is becoming all too popular this election season.Few people are exempt from the public verbal gaffe.Let's start at the top, shall we?

President George W. Bush stated this week that Washington could solve the housing crisis if Congress would use "less politics."Less politics?From Congress?The President has a better chance of seeing less drugs and alcohol from Amy Winehouse.Unless he slept through the last eight years - and the previous 53 - everything that goes on in Washington D.C. involves politics.Heck, the White House lawn is cut from left to right to portray the current administration's policies!

Democrat Presidential candidate Barack Obama announced that he would create a new faith program if he is elected in November.Wow, he is the pro-gun, pro-troops, pro-God candidate now? Perhaps he threw his true self under the bus this week?

Speaking of Barack Obama, his sister is hitting the pavement, stumping for her half-brother.And while she is not technically a dumb politician, she sure is speaking like one.Maya Soetoro-Ng proclaimed that if her brother were elected, "It would be the first time that the first family is comprised in part of Asian-Americans - as well as African-Americans, of course."

What, no mention of Caucasian-Americans? Will someone please grab Sen. Obama's white grandmother from under the bus and ask her how it feels to be snubbed by the man she raised? The truly disturbing part about this comment is that it is great for Obama's candidacy.At any moment, he can claim to be black, white, and/or Asian.If he marries into a Latino family, he will complete his Trivial Pursuit-style game piece of race.

Not to be outdone, Barack Obama's supporters are saying some truly idiotic things as well.General Wesley Clark attacked John McCain this week, but instead of pointing out legitimate issues, Clark focused his sniper fire upon McCain's military service:

"I don't think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president."

After stating something like that, it is obvious that Wesley Clark is a real general like Captain Crunch is a real captain. John McCain spent five and a half years being tortured in a Vietnamese prison. He was basically a bellhop at the Hanoi Hilton, and Wesley Clark has the temerity to belittle his service?

Naturally, Clark was offered an out the next day when he was asked if he would retract or apologize for his comments.Clark refused, and forever cemented his place in the annals of political idiocy.

Republicans are not immune from the occasional verbal faux pas, either.Former Vice-President Dan Quayle - the man most in need of an internal "edit" button - stated that he respects Barack Obama for beating the Clintons.That is Clintons in the plural.He does know that only Hillary was running, right?Considering the trials and tribulations suffered by the Clinton camp (read: Bill), it would appear that Quayle's respect is a tad misplaced.Let's face it: Barry Bonds could have beaten Hillary Clinton this year.

Of course, it could have been worse: Quayle could have spelled their name with an "e" on the end.

So, before you are fire up the barbecue, jump into the swimming pool, and try to ignore drunken Uncle Larry, take a moment to reflect upon the stupidity of your government representatives. It is your God-given right.

FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.

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